Fuck You, Vince Neil...

So I guess I should follow up my Descendents posts with another gem from the summer of 91'. I may be wrong on my dates or I just found out about it at this time, but apparently VInce Neil had quit Mötley Crüe. See, before the internet, you actually had to read magazines to find out information like this, and I scoured the pages of Hit Parader and Metal Maniacs to know what was going on in the wonderful world of metal music.

What the fuck? Seriously dude, what is wrong with you? Why would anyone quit the greatest band ever! These are the thoughts that ran through my 12 year mind when I read about this. Wait, I have the greatest idea ever... I will be the new singer of the Crüe! (I am still 12 at this time) Yeah, I don't know why I thought that they would ever want my pimply face being in a band with them. They had drugs and groupies, I had a curfew. My parents wouldn't even let me cross a busy street, but I am gonna tour the world with a bunch of dudes that are covered into tattoos and herpes. Well, I don't really know about that last one, but from things I read later in life... So yeah back to my dream... So I AM going to be the new singer for Mötley Crüe. I practiced as often as I could. I would wait until my parents were not around and would learn the lyrics and sing along at the top of my lungs. I guess I should not say that I would sing, more of a talking loudly. I practiced for months to prepare myself for the opportunity of a lifetime. Eventually my fascination with this totally and abruptly ended. I still have no idea why it ended...maybe it was that I had read that they found a new singer (he was a loser), or maybe just my 12 year old mind with all of its grand schemes had found something new and moved on. Whatever the reason was, I will always remember the summer that I rocked the world singing for the one and only Mötley Crüe... in my mind that is. Thank you and good night!

Albums That Changed My Life Part 2: The Descendents-Two Things At Once

Sorry there I am getting ready to go to my friends birthday party. It was 7th grade and my good friend Tim was having a bunch of people over for a party. Tim was probably the nerdiest person I knew at that time. His voice cracked, he wore glasses and collected comic books (he is probably really successful nowadays), but he was still one of my best friends (I wasn't, and still am not the coolest of people). So a bunch of us go to his house for pizza and to watch some movies on his brand new laser disc player. As we chow down on some food we watch "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" (at the time there was supposed to be some racey scenes that you could only see on the laser disc version). As the party starts to wind down an older kid that is there puts on a cd (also a somewhat new thing at the time). What proceeds to pour out of the little speakers on the stereo will haunt my for years to come, and not in a bad way. The singer barks out "I like food, food tastes good" and the band dives into this onslaught of guitars and drums. Before I even realize what just happened, the song is over, and my life is forever changed. See, at this time in my life I was deep into my hair metal phase. My life was all about Poison, and Mötley Crüe, my days were filled with KISS and Britney Fox. For weeks I spent my days wandering around and trying to get my head around what I had heard. "I like food, food tastes good" is all I hear for weeks, months, years... I also remember at the time that I was in a music class in school that required us to write a song. Being that I have/had little to no musical talent, I penned an awesome ditty entitled "I hate food, food tastes bad". My teacher never knew that I stolen that little ditty from the Descendents, shit, I don't know if I was really sure if I actually heard that song or had dreamt it. It would be another couple of years before I remembered this song and actually picked up a copy of it for myself. Not my favorite Descendents song, but still a damn good song that reminds me of days gone by...

Cleaning House...

So some of my in-laws have decided to have a garage sale this year. I decided I should partake as well, just to clean some stuff out. One somewhat little known fact about me is that i tend to be a pack rat of sorts, or as I refer to it, a "collector". It amazing the amount of crap that one can accumulate in a meager 30 years. I have recently started the slow and daunting task of going through "my life" and weeding out what I feel I no longer need. Multiple skateboards? Keepers. Simpsons party plates? No one really needs those. The list goes on and on. Mountains upon mountains of sports cards? I can't believe how truly worthless these things are. I have considered saving them just in case the zompocalypse happens, that way I have something to get the fire going. Of course going through the piles of crap, you are bound to find a few gems. Some things that I have found include a picture from roughly 7th or 8th grade, lots of garbage pail kids of varying sizes and series and a misfits bobble head. Apparently at some point in my life I felt it necessary to purchase a Jerry Only bobble head, this is one thing I think I will try to sneak into my permanent collection.  So I continue to prepare for the garage sale. Here's to hopin' that I make some mad cash, or at least enough to buy myself lunch.

What Is The Problem?

So for those of you that don't know, sometimes I like to draw pictures on my computer, I am not all that good at it, but I still enjoy it. So on my free time, I sometimes like to create ads for companies and then send them off to said companies with the hopes of them actually being used, so far that has yet to happen. So recently I designed two ads for handi-snacks, a personal favorite of mine, and sent them off to Kraft. After numerous emails asking when I would see these in magazines, or on billboards, they finally started asking me to leave them alone. Why? What have I done wrong? I am giving you ads that you can use, and I ask for nothing in return. I am donating these because of a genuine love of all things Kraft.

Here is ad number one...

I feel that the sentiment is true. I would much rather eat Handi-snacks than get punched in the fuckin' face! Who wouldn't? I am still not understanding why this was rejected.

Moving along to ad number two. You will notice that I went with a similar design for this one as to keep the theme going on throughout...

Again, I believe that there is no arguing as to which one would rather have. Please get in touch and let me know where the problem lies. Thanks!

Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World Of Kitty Wigs

Yes, you read that correctly! There is finally a book devoted to putting wigs on your cat! This is a favorite activity of mine and it is finally nice to see that others enjoy my favorite past time as well! This is a wonderful little book of, you guessed it, cats wearing wigs and other costumes.

Okay.... Back to reality.... I am shocked that there is actually a book dedicated to this. Sure, sometimes I like to put glasses on my dog, and yes, I do laugh hysterically when I do, but no one else needs to see this. Why the need for an entire book showcasing this? I am including a few pictures of this so that others can see how crazy this is. Although I will admit that I was quite tempted to purchase this book so that I could leave it on my coffee table, that way when guests came over they could second guess their friendship with me.

My Trip To Von Maur

Yesterday the wife decided to return a bunch of stuff that she had gotten for her birthday. So off we headed to the mall for what would surely be a wonderful experience. Not being a fan of Von Maur (a little too classy for my liking) or malls in general, I was prepared for a boring Sunday afternoon. Upon arriving at the mall I quickly made my way to the bathroom, as I was washing my hands I look over to see a needle return... what? In the Von Maur bathroom? When did such a ritzy place start offering a place to drop off your used needles? Is there a huge heroin problem amongst the upper crust of the Chicago suburbs? Where was I through all of this? Odd indeed. After the bathroom I am following my wife around closely, so as to try and avoid the workers that follow me around like I am stealing. She is over in the pajama section so I am somewhat paying attention when I see a early 20's man/boy with his obviously pregnant and obviously much older mother (I hope). She is showing him lingerie and asking him what he things and he responds with grabbing another article and showing her. This is quite the mother and son relationship! This continued on for some time and unfortunately they started speaking Polish so I could no longer ear hustle. If only I had paid attention when my family was speaking the language, maybe I could of understood this relationship. So that was how I spent my afternoon.

Albums That Changed My Life Part 1: The Misfits - Evilive

The Misfits Evilive, what can I say? This would be my introduction to one of the greatest bands ever, yeah I said it, EVER! Where to begin...

So there I am sitting at lunch in 7th grade, just enjoying my nachos. My friend walks up and tells me that his older brother has some music for me, and produces a2 cassette tapes (this was 20ish years ago). I say thanks and shove them in my bag and promising that I will listen to them once I arrive home. 6 Or so hours later and I take the two tapes out and give them the once over. Corrosion Of Conformity... I like the skulls on the cover so I pop it in my tape deck. Eye For An Eye doesn't really impress me all that much (it still doesn't). Next up is the misfits. I really like the art work on this one, it has skulls and people in coffins, very evil looking. Side note... when I was younger (like 7) my family went on vacation and there were these 2 older kids at the same place, they wore Misfits shirts everyday. Where was I? Oh yeah, skulls, evil... So I put this tape in and press play and am amazed by what I hear!. This band has everything that a 12 year old with some issues is looking for... imagery that will annoy my parents, swearing that will annoy my parents, screaming that will annoy my parents, it is the perfect album for a 12 year old! I listened to this tape for a month straight, until I finally returned it. I can barely listen to this album anymore (not that big into live albums), but will often listen to their studio stuff. It was a few more years until I got a 15th generation copy of Walk Among Us. That would of been the 1st album that would change my life, except I heard Evilive first, oh well. So that is it for the first installment...

Rantin' And Ravin'

So as I am walking out of my building the other day, my eyes are greeted by a new car parked in front of it.  No big deal, living in a condo you have new neighbors all of the time, or your old neighbors have new friends. As I am walking by I spot a bumper sticker that has been neatly placed onto the bumper. As my eyes adjust I can make out that the sticker has the image of a man, a plus sign, the image of a women and that it all equals marriage. Excuse me? Did I just see correctly that someone is driving around with a bumper sticker on their car that says that marriage should be between a man and a woman? In this day in age? As my brain tries to adjust to the beating it has just taken, I notice that their license plate is a vanity plate proclaiming....wait for it...go vegan. GO VEGAN! Now my brain is going through a complete meltdown. So you mean to tell me that you are homophobic AND a vegan? Maybe I too am narrow minded, because I never expected to see those two things together. This is a combination of the ultra right wing Christian fundamentalist nut.... combined with the peace loving, free thinking, ultra left wing hippy. Is there a term for this? Well, one besides crazy.

In the year 2011 I expect a little more tolerance, especially living outside of Chicago. I am still confused as to why gay marriage is not legal? Why does the government feel the need to get involved? I thought we had a separation of church and state in this country, yet this is obviously a religious crusade. The excuse that it gives marriage a bad name is so played out, straight people ruined that shit a long time ago.  There are so many things to post on this subject, and everyone has a differing opinion. All I know is that if it were up to me, I would let them get married. Love is love. It does not matter if it is between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, a woman and a woman or even a man and his goat. Okay, that last one was a joke, just wanted to see if you were paying attention.