Knowing My Enemy...

So as I get older I seem to put on more and more weight. As a dude, it all seems to gravitate towards my mid section. This has caused me to have a new enemy. You may think that this new enemy would cookies, or candy, or something equally as good. You, good reader, would be 100% completely wrong. I should probably avoid these things at all cost, but I am actually referring to....(duh, duh, duhhhhhhhh) SOCKS! Yes, socks are my new enemy. Having a little more girth around my mid-section has made it more of a challenge to put socks on. When I was younger (aka skinnier) it was never a problem to get a pair of socks on. now I find myself coming up with new and creative ways to get those little bastards wrapped around my feet. I find myself lying in weird position on the floor, reaching behind my back, jumping off the bed while my wife holds them out, whatever it takes. I am pretty close to giving up completely on wearing socks, what will it matter, I haven't seen them in years anywho.

So socks... I think that it is time that our relationship comes to an end. As much as I would like to say it is you, I think this one is totally me.

How About The Time That....

I was skateboarding with a chick that I happened to be dating and a car full of high school dudes drove by calling me a faggot and throwing stuff at me? No, well it happened. It is one of the highlights of my life and probably the greatest story of me being called a faggot. This wasn't the only time that ever happened, I have become side tracked though. Well back to the lecture at hand... so this chick I am dating wants to learn how to skateboard. Seeing as how I actually used one of these contraptions way back in the day, I volunteer to teach her. I would like to point out that balancing and turning were about the only things I knew how to do. Rudimentary skills, I know, but no one asking how to skate vert. So anywho... we are putting around on her street when we decide to skate up to the local school parking lot. So as we turn the corner onto the street that intersects hers, there is a car full of teens that comes screeching around the corner. All of sudden I am bombarded with soda cans and taunts of faggot. Really? I am in my mid twenties and being verbally and garbageally assaulted by a car load of teenage boys. At least when I was younger and was greeted with the taunts of skate or die, the kids were my age, and they never called me names. I thought that as I grew up the name calling and generally douche baggery would cease, wrong again. At least they continued to drive away and didn't stop and decide they would be chasing me. If this would of happened, I would of pushed that chick in front of them and booked it. That relationship was doomed for a long time anyway.

So Last Weekend...

I went out of town and saw an interesting billboard. I guess I could also say that I saw that billboard about the little kids asking for ice cream after they are paralyzed. Still weird. Still overkill. This trip I also saw a billboard for a dentist that specialized in dentures. The sign read "Don't die with your teeth in a glass". I thought that was pretty morbid. By morbid I mean that I almost drove off the road in a fit of laughter. At least my teeth were in my head.

No Sleep Til'....

So last night was another restless night. I don't understand why my medicine keeps me up all night. I hope to get better soon because i am going on 3 months with no sleep. It is really taking its toll on me. I guess on a positive note, it will prepare me for fatherhood. At least last night I was productive. Instead of tossing and turning for hours, I actually got out of bed a wrote 2 new songs. Well, I wrote the music for 2 new songs, lyrics are where I struggle.

Did I Ever Tell You About The Time....

That I met Color-Me-Badd? True story. Not all that exciting though. So when I was younger my family used to go on vacations to hotels. Not hotels in different states, but hotels the next town over. I know, very exciting. So my parents and my aunt and uncle decide we are all going to the hotel for the weekend. So me and my 3 cousins (1 boy and 2 girls) pack all our shit up for a vacation to the next town over. To be fair, the next town over has a really nice mall. This was in the middle of my metal head phase, so my cousin and I pack up the boombox, a shit ton of extra batteries and our collection of Metallica tapes. So we spent the weekend hanging around in the room listening to ...And Justice For All. Eventually we decided to head out into the hotel. The place looked like Merry-Go-Round had thrown up all over (when I say Merry-Go-Round I mean the store, not the ride). So my cousin and I decide to investigate the crowd of girls lookin' oh so fresh. Upon reaching the center of this mob we are confronted by three of the goofiest lookin' motherfuckers ever! One of them was the dude with the hair, you know, the one that looked like Kenny G! So to sum this story up... you best believe that we screamed like all the girls that surrounded us and go their autographs! Man, I wish I still had that.

Jason's Deli Part II: I Return...

So I went to jason’s deli today, thought I would give them a second chance. So I ordered myself the grilled cheese and potato chips with a beverage. Much to my chagrin, the total was $4.50ish. This made me happy after last time. Then after waiting for what seemed like an hour I am delivered the delicious meal that I ordered! But wait... I asked for potato chips, not apple slices. I give up on this place. Fool me once, shame on me....fool me twice, I hate you and will never return to your establishment again even if you give me free stuff to try and make me forget about the wrong doings that you have caused me.

I Scream, Why Are You Screaming About Ice Cream?

It has been a long time since I have done anything here, so this will be a double post. What should I write a double post about? How 'bout ice cream? As a former ice cream jockey I have a soft spot for ice cream related mishaps. Are we ready to go? Okay...let's do this!

So awhile ago I am at the local McDonald's. So I place my order and am waiting patiently for my food to arrive and listening to the cashier's chat. Apparently it is the one girls first day so they are teaching her the ropes. A lady walks in behind me and starts eyeing the menu. After she wipes the drool from her chin she proceeds to step up to the new girls cash register. She glances over the giant note stating that it is the girls first day so please be patient. The women orders an ice cream cone. The girl excitedly rings up her first order and proceeds to make the ice cream cone. She goes to hand the ice cream cone to the women, and she is proud of her accomplishment. The women disgustedly stares at the cone and refuses to accept it, claiming that it is too unattractive for human consumption. Admittedly, the cone is not perfect, but will that really alter the taste? The girl looks dejected as another, more experienced, co-worker makes the ice cream cone. The women is satisfied with this new cone and proceeds to down the entire top portion in one fell swoop. I think the entire thing was gone by the time she made it to the door! So the ugly cone could not be consumed in 2 bites? Really? I felt bad for the girl working and told her that I thought her cones looked great. Wait a minute... in hindsight maybe that wasn't the best thing to say. Well either I totally made some chicks day, or it just got a lot creepier.


On to story number two which is another oldie that I find to be a goodie. The wife and I were out of town and needed to gas up before heading home. We pull into this little gas station, and my eyes are greeted with one of the most confusing sights that they have ever seen. In front of me lies a women who is sprawled out across a parking space, two younger children that are hysterically crying and the most rag tag biker gang ever. They are all surrounding an ice cream cone that has obviously just been dropped and landed ice cream side down. I run into the gas station to pick up some drinks and snacks for the drive and upon returning, all is gone. All of it, even the ice cream cone. All the remains is a bit of melted ice cream and a few tears. I have so many unanswered questions! I want to know what happened here. Was the crying over the spilled ice cream? Was the ice cream thrown in anger? Why were they kids crying? What did the biker gang have to do with any of this? Do they travel the country knocking peoples ice cream cones out of their hands? If they do, they are kinda dicks. What happened to the ice cream? Was it thrown away? Possibly eaten? So many questions...