That's Quite A Mess You've Got On Your Hands, And On A Dry Run...

So today at work they gave us cinnamon rolls for Valentine's Day. I truly do heart me some cinnamon rolls, but this sweet nectar of the gods that was offered to us brought about some interesting comments. I feel that i can not keep these comments to myself. so here goes...

"Time for some goo"

Person 1: "Boy, my hands are gonna be really sticky when I am done"

Person 2: "It's okay, everyone is gonna be really sticky"

Person 1: "This is just too big!"

Person 2: "Just use your hands then"

"I am gonna be hurting after this"

"Lord that's drippy"

"My mouth is really gonna be sore when I am done"

Okay, I was the one who said that last one. I did. And it really does.

Damn You Cher...

When I was a lot younger I would watch this mask movie on a daily basis. I don't know what it was about it, but I loved it. I do know that my love affair with this movie had absolutely nothing to do with Cher being in it. Little did I know at the time, but Cher would play a part in my life later on. When I got a little older I became infatuated with music and would constantly watch MTV (there was a time when MTV played videos by bands that rocked so hard that they could impregnate someone just by the power of their rock, instead of just playing shows about idiots who are already preggers), of course at this time  I was patiently waiting for the new Poison or Mötley Crüe video. One day as I turned on the MTV, wearing my jean jacket vest that my Mom had so lovingly sewed my patches on to, and I am met by the sounds of a woman "singing" while dancing around on a navy ship while being roughly 1/5 of the way clothed. For the first time in my life, I questioned my sexuality. If this "woman" is supposed to "turn me on", something is deeply wrong. On a side note, if MTV played this video now, they would probably have less shows about teen pregnancies. So back to my story... this has to of been the worst thing I have ever seen in my life! It made me want o poke my eyes out! This may also be the moment that MTV "jumped the shark". So yeah, to recap... Cher made me question my sexuality as a youngster, and to this day I shudder every time I hear that stupid fuckin' song, and if I hear Poison or Mötley Crüe, I tense up in fear of what will be next!

Keep On L.A.R.P.ing In The Free World...

So last night I faked myself into main stream guy culture, and I was successful! The wife and I went to a sports bar and watched the UFC fight thingy. I could honestly care less about watching 2 dudes beat the piss out of each other. Either way, I enjoyed myself. The place was fuckin' huge! it was in an old movie theater and the put big screen tvs up where all the movie screens used to be. I walked in to them playing Enuff Z'Nuff. Seriously, what bar that isn't totally backwoods, is still rocking out hessian culture in this day and age? Either way, totally awesome and it had me geekin' out right away. Other highlights included Skid Row, Britny Fox (althought they didn't play the song girlschool, they still played Britny fuckin' Fox!) and a little Diamond Dave, DLR, David Lee Roth! Zippidy fuckin' doo! I guess another highlight was watching my wife get the drunkest I have ever seen her in our relationship. Neither of us are really drinkers, so it didn't really take all that long. She was getting pretty crazy and the night ended with her dancing her way through the parking lot and trying to climb her car. For all I know, the 80's metal inspired her and she was trying to go all Whitesnake video, and dance across her car. To recap: I went to a sports bar last night, DID NOT get punched, had a good time and watched my wife get completely shit faced. L.A.R.P. successful. Zippidy fuckin' Bop!

Oh My...

So this afternoon I grabbed my phone and for some reason the thing started freaking out on me. I would like to point out that I am in no way what I would call a tech savvy person. I just learned how to text message a month ago and I am in my very early 30's. So anywho back to my tale... so my phone starts freaking out on me and all of a sudden my wallpaper is set as a pair of cupped breasts. Well hello! I found myself a little excited (not sexually) as I wondered where these came from. Are they my wifes? No, I don't remember doing that. Could she of possibly taken the picture and it on there as a surprise for me? No, that doesn't sound like something she would do. Did someone else take my phone and do this? No, I don't know anyone who would dare do something like that to me. As all of these thought flash through my head,  my excitement quickly turns to fear, which turns to disgust as I start remembering this past weekend. What I am staring at is indeed a picture that my wife took. Unfortunately it is a picture that my wife took of me cupping my moobs. It was my friends birthday this past weekend and as a joke I decided to sext him a picture of my moobs. He laughed. I didn't when I revisited the picture. Oh well. They were quite full if I do say so and I think I will hold on to that picture for the next birthday that comes up.

Supergirl Has A Nice Rack...

So i guess I am condensing some other blogs that I have that no one reads to this one. Why have 5 unread blogs when I can just put it all on one. So here is a funny little post about my wife. I will add a few more here as well...

So yesterday my wife accompanied me to the comic book store. I am not huge into comic books, but everyone once in awhile I like to stop by and look. I tend to do things like this by myself as I know that my wife really could care less. Seeing as we were already running errands I asked her if we could swing by and take a look, surprisingly, she was totally on board. So off we go to the comic store....

So I am wandering around looking at things and there are only 4 people in the store; me, my wife, the owner and some random dude. So my wife goes her own way and I go mine. So I come walking up to her and I hear mumbling. I round a corner to see her standing there with a horrified look on her face. So I ask her "who were you talking to?". She starts laughing because she thought that the random dude standing a few feet away from her was me. He then proceeds to tell her that Supergirl doesn't and he laughs and walks away. So now I am curious, Supergirl doesn't what? Apparently my better half had told the random dude that she thought was me, that she didn't understand why all of the girls in comic books had such big boobs.

Knowing My Enemy...

So as I get older I seem to put on more and more weight. As a dude, it all seems to gravitate towards my mid section. This has caused me to have a new enemy. You may think that this new enemy would cookies, or candy, or something equally as good. You, good reader, would be 100% completely wrong. I should probably avoid these things at all cost, but I am actually referring to....(duh, duh, duhhhhhhhh) SOCKS! Yes, socks are my new enemy. Having a little more girth around my mid-section has made it more of a challenge to put socks on. When I was younger (aka skinnier) it was never a problem to get a pair of socks on. now I find myself coming up with new and creative ways to get those little bastards wrapped around my feet. I find myself lying in weird position on the floor, reaching behind my back, jumping off the bed while my wife holds them out, whatever it takes. I am pretty close to giving up completely on wearing socks, what will it matter, I haven't seen them in years anywho.

So socks... I think that it is time that our relationship comes to an end. As much as I would like to say it is you, I think this one is totally me.

How About The Time That....

I was skateboarding with a chick that I happened to be dating and a car full of high school dudes drove by calling me a faggot and throwing stuff at me? No, well it happened. It is one of the highlights of my life and probably the greatest story of me being called a faggot. This wasn't the only time that ever happened, I have become side tracked though. Well back to the lecture at hand... so this chick I am dating wants to learn how to skateboard. Seeing as how I actually used one of these contraptions way back in the day, I volunteer to teach her. I would like to point out that balancing and turning were about the only things I knew how to do. Rudimentary skills, I know, but no one asking how to skate vert. So anywho... we are putting around on her street when we decide to skate up to the local school parking lot. So as we turn the corner onto the street that intersects hers, there is a car full of teens that comes screeching around the corner. All of sudden I am bombarded with soda cans and taunts of faggot. Really? I am in my mid twenties and being verbally and garbageally assaulted by a car load of teenage boys. At least when I was younger and was greeted with the taunts of skate or die, the kids were my age, and they never called me names. I thought that as I grew up the name calling and generally douche baggery would cease, wrong again. At least they continued to drive away and didn't stop and decide they would be chasing me. If this would of happened, I would of pushed that chick in front of them and booked it. That relationship was doomed for a long time anyway.